Positively Non-Religious

I am going to give you the truth about the afterlife. Pay attention because there are things you can do now to make the next life more comfortable and it has little to do with being a good, moral person.

After dying, you will end up outdoors, at a dining room table. Seated is every single one of your ancestors (back to the primordial ooze). They haven’t eaten since the last person joined them and as you might suspect, they are ravenous and irritable. Forget the pleasantries, they beg you to get them food. Everyone notices your bewildered look. To help, somebody points to a few large trees with fruit hanging from upper level branches. There is no way for you or anyone else to reach them. After your growing frustration becomes apparent, another family member explains the situation. It ends up that you didn’t arrive alone. On the ground is a satchel. Depending on what sort of sexual escapades you had during your brief time on earth, inside the satchel is a collection of penises, vaginas, or both. This is the kicker. The amount of genitalia in your satchel relates to how many people you slept with in your lifetime. Your job is to reach into that satchel and sling those penises and vaginas at the fruit in the tree. Whatever you knock down is what your family gets to eat. If you decided to be celibate, expect an angry mob. If you were, shall we say, generous with your body, your dead ancestors are going to feast like royalty and love you even more in the process.

If you think I’m making this up, you overestimate my imagination. This is straight from Mayan lore. The elders transcribed information straight from the Gods, wrote it down, and so it is written in their ancient texts.